Numb
by natzbadfairy
Summary: Meredith is left broken when she makes a mistake that destriyes her and derek's relationship. only when she reaches the edge does he help her but is it too late? rated T for subject
1. Chapter 1

**This is a very sad fic, character death. hope you weren't expecting MerDer Fluff. sorry, wrong story. Anyway, this deals with some difficult situations. i have written up to chaphter 4 which gives the story a happy ending but i decided to leave it at three. i feel three is enough. Anyway i need to stop rambling. **

**Please do me a favor and press that little purple button. Reviews always make me smile :D**

**(please listen to Linkin Park Numb, this is what the fics based on) :D**

Meredith looked at Mark, Mark pulling at Derek's sleeve. She knew it was about her, Mark worrying that she wasn't stable. But she wasn't and she knew it. The multiple cuts and scars on her arms proved it but she was the only one that knew, up until she started scrubbing in.

Meredith pushed the scrub room door open, Derek standing. He Didn't look up at her, Meredith knowing he didn't want to see her. She was his ex mistress that had blown everything, a slip of the tongue to Addison having sent her back to New York and leaving Derek here on his own. He had stopped talking to her, but Meredith couldn't care. She didn't have the strength to care…or so she thought. She never realised that it was because of him that she had no energy, the energy that she did manage to have disappearing when she thought of him. He walked past her like she was invisible, her eyes closing as she smelt the aftershave. Mark looked between the two of them, Meredith moving out the way of the door.

'Sorry Dr Sloane,'

'Mark, no more Dr Sloane, Meredith,' Meredith smiled weakly. She ignored Mark as she watched Derek through the glass, her cuts and scars showing. He tried to get her attention but she never saw him. She had become immune to seeing anyone when Derek was around but he never saw her. Mark watched her leave in middle of surgery, Derek having snapped at her.

'You need to back off Derek,'

'What the hell are you talking about?'

'Lay off her ok,'

'mark, leave it out. I don't need you telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing,'

'Me and you need to talk, Dr Shepherd,' Derek looked up, Mark leaving the OR, claiming he wasn't needed anymore. Meredith stood against the nurses station, looking at the OR doors. When Mark came out, she turned and started walking quickly. He caught up, grabbing her arm and pulling her into an empty exam room.

'When did you start?'

'When did I start what?' Mark pulled Meredith's sleeve up gently, Meredith pulling it back down.

'it doesn't matter,'

'Meredith, I'm not the bad guy here. I can help you here. I can get the scars away and no one has to know,'

'How? Without doing surgery,'

'Easily, I have a way of stitching the cuts with no scars,'

'So I do it and you fix it, we could start a business,'

'Meredith,'

'Mark, I appreciate the offer but I am not your problem and I am handling this,' Mark walked over to Meredith, his arms going around her tentatively . At first she felt like she was in an alien place but then it happened, the feeling of help flooding her. She grabbed onto his scrub top, her legs going weak. Her tears stained his scrub top, Mark just glad he could let her. She stepped back, wiping her face.

'I shouldn't be doing this,'

'Meredith you need help, and have been needing it by the looks of your arms. Can i have look? Check everything,'

'No, I'm fine, Mark, just…just having a bad life,' Mark sighed the door closing after her.

'Where is Dr Sloane,' Meredith looked up, Derek standing in front of her.

'He's in the end exam room,'

'Tell him he wants me he can page me,'

'Yeah. How are you?'

'Fine Dr Grey,' Meredith turned and walked away, the feeling of Derek's eyes on the back of her neck. She sat in the locker room, up against the wall. She prayed no one would find her in the corner. She lifted her head up off her knee's the raised voices causing her she slide over to the lockers.

'she's got cuts up her arm Derek and she broke down in front of me. You expect me to ignore it? You expect me to just forget what I saw?'

'Mark, she split me and Addison up the day before I was gonna file for divorce. She couldn't wait,'

'Derek, she's broken and isn't going to magically repair herself. You need to help her,' Meredith pressed herself against the lockers.

'I don't know how to,' Meredith let the tears escape from her eyes, not bothering to wipe them away.

'Derek, she needs you right now more than she ever has before. You need to fix her cause she can't fix herself. Talk to her. Let her know you know she's there. Drop the Dr Grey and Dr Shepherd crap. She needs to feel like a human being that you did love at one point,'

'I still do,' Marks eyes widened

'I still love her Mark,'

'Then what the hell are you doing?'

'I said things to her…things I regret and I don't…I don't know how to take them back,'

'Derek, you need to tell her. She needs to hear that you love her,'

'No she doesn't. she doesn't need me to do anything. She'll get through this, she always does,' Meredith covered her mouth, the sob breaking free as the locker room door closed over. She shook her head, trying to pull herself together. It was no use, Meredith knew the only way to feel normal was to do the one thing that was killing her.

Meredith held the white gauze down on her arm, stopping the blood. She wrapped the dressing round, wincing with the pain but glad she could feel something, anything. Derek came up to her, Meredith holding the chart against her chest while she watched over the patient through the glass.

'Meredith,'

'Dr Shepherd, her pressure is stable and she's not actively bleeding,'

'We can drop the DR Shepherd,'

'No, I'll get through this, I always do remember,' Meredith handed Derek the chart, not looking at him. He grabbed hold of her wrist, Meredith putting her hand on top of his.

'Let me go,' Derek pulled her sleeves up, Derek's eyes glazing over. Meredith backed away from Derek, Pulling her sleeves down in the process.

'You Don't get to care just because you feel guilty. You…you said things that I can't…I can't get out of my head. Remember that I'm the one who couldn't wait for you to divorce Addison. Yeah, I'm the dirty mistress that blew the cover on your affair. You Don't get to try and help me. You don't mean it,'

'Yes I do, that's the point,'

'So the fact Mark Just cornered you in the locker rooms has nothing to do with the fact that your standing in front of me trying to make me open up and talk about my feelings?'

'Meredith,'

'You don't get to make me feel this way,' Meredith stood at the elevator door and waited for the elevators doors to open. She stood at the back of the lift, her back hard against the wall, Derek sliding in as the doors closed.

'Derek,' He walked up in front of her, Lifting her face up to his eye level.

'I love you,' Meredith shook her head, trying to break Derek's gaze on her face. Closing her eyes, the tears slipped out but the taste of them was soon replaced by the taste of Derek's lips on hers. Her arms slipped round her waist, Derek running his hands down her face/. She leaned her head against Derek's

'You can't do this to me…you can't hurt me again,'

'I wont hurt you,'

'You always do, wither it's deliberate or not,'  
'I know I can fix you,'

'I know, but I can't get hurt,'

'I promise I won't hurt you but you need to let me help you,'

'I don't know…how can you help me?' Derek took hold of Meredith's hand, Meredith following him into an empty exam room. Her head fell as he unwrapped the dressing's, cleaning out the wounds.

'This has to stop,'

'How?'

'I'll get you better, I'll make you better,' Meredith shrugged her shoulders gently, knowing that it wasn't as simple as he thought.


	2. Chapter 2

-1Meredith stood at the nurses station, Derek watching her from the exam room door. She stared into space, her finger running over the cuts on her arm. She flinched, Derek leaning up off the door frame. She looked around before slotting the chart into the rack and scurrying off into an empty on call room. As she closed the door, she leaned back on it, the tears escaping out from her eyes. She couldn't handle the whispers, the looks, the rumours. Curling up on the bottom bunk she cried silently, her breathing erratic but still silent. Her shut her eyes tightly, hoping the figure that stood over her would think she was sleeping. The mattress went down behind her back, the arms lifting her up. She fell against them, knowing instantly who it was. Not fighting them, she let herself break in Derek's arms, his hand gently brushing the hair away from her face.

'it's ok…I promise it's gonna be ok,' Meredith shook her head, Derek unable to stop her crying.

'I can't…I can't go on…like this…I thought I could…but I just can't,'

'Like what? You need to talk to me,'

'People…talking…whispering…the looks, like I'm crazy,'

'Ok, I'll sort this…I promise I will sort this,' Meredith fell asleep, Derek lifting her tiny body over into the corner bed and covering her up. He rattled the chiefs office door open, not waiting for a reply before going in.

'Derek, what's wrong?'

'You need to hold a staff meeting,'

'Why?'

'Gossip, looks, whispering, it's killing her,'

'Meredith,' her name fell off his lips like an omen

'She's falling again and I'm not gonna watch this Richard. You said you would help her, this is your chance to get people off her back and give her a chance to breath,'

'where is she?'

'sleeping in an on call room, just left her after spend forty minutes trying to stop her crying. I know she's done it again so you need to sort this,'

'I need,'

'You need to stop them,'

'She needs professional help Derek,'

'No, she is gonna get better without people thinking that she's crazy. I am not letting you do this to her,'

'Derek,'

'NO, I am taking care of this, I'm getting her better with or without your help. With will make it easier but if I have to, I will do this on my own,'

'Ok, I'll sort them out but Derek she does need help, wither or not it's what you want. She needs it. Your not a therapist or a psychologist. She needs help,' Derek shook his head.

'I have an appointment arranged for next week with the best therapist in New York, she's coming down for Meredith. Let her talk to her, see if she can help her ,'

'Richard,'

'Look. It's arranged and I think she would benefit and would be back up on her feet a lot quicker than if you were doing it. Let her try,' Derek relented agreeing to the appointment.

'So you gonna tell her? Cause I'm not. No way. I'm not going back on my promise to her, you can tell her,'

'What on call room is she in?'

'Neuro, end one, I hope Richard, for her sake, this doesn't make her think she's mad cause if it does, it will finish her,'

Meredith sat motionless on the end of the bed, Derek sitting next to her. Her red top came down over her hands, her black trousers hanging off her. She lifted her head, smiling weakly at him.

'Hey,'

'Richard's got me an appointment with a therapist next week,'

'You ok with that?' Meredith looked to the wall.

'I don't know what I am,'

'Do you want to see her?'

'I don't know. If she helps then yeah…but then…I could be wasting her time and mine,' Meredith went silent, Derek not saying anything.

'Do you think I'm crazy?' Derek tilted his head at Meredith, her eyes glazing over.

'No Mere, I don't think your crazy. But I can't help you with everything. I'm not even sure if I have helped you with what I have done,' Meredith took hold of Derek's hands, Derek realising that her hands were stone cold.

'You got me to stop doing the one thing that was killing me, you got me back from somewhere I never wanted to be in the first place…only now…now I have no idea where I am,'

'If this therapist works, you think that she's gonna help, then you keep seeing her. I want you back mere,'

'I want to be back,'

Meredith played with the rim of her shirt, the casually dresses woman not what she expected. Her hair was pulled back loosely, her jeans trailing behind her. She sat in the large black leather chair that faced Meredith, slipping her shoes off and crossing her legs.

'Hi, I'm Kate,'

'Meredith,'

'Richard Webber referred you to me,'

'Yeah,' Meredith didn't meet her eyes, Kate continually looking at her, knowing Meredith would look at her in her own time.

'Do you know why he referred you? '

'Yeah, I do,'

'Ok, can you tell me why?' Meredith nodded.

'I…I don't know where I am anymore,' Meredith rubbed her arm, Kate smiling at her.

'You cut?' Meredith looked up suddenly.

'How did you?'

'I've been a therapist for fifteen years, I know the signs and tell tale factors. Long sleeves, rubbing of the arm…' Meredith smiled, nodding her head weakly.

'I'm here to talk to, not to declare you insane because I know that your not. People who come to me aren't crazy and they've taken the first step to getting back on their feet,' Meredith nodded, relaxing.

'Tell me about Meredith,' Meredith shrugged her shoulders.

'So you're a shrug of the shoulders. Never had that one before,' Meredith smiled for what felt for the first time in months.

'I'm 32, surgical resident,'

'What kind of music do you like?'

'What?'

'Who do you listen to?'

'em…usually the clash but not through choice,'

'Not through choice?'

'My partner…he listens to it all the time,'

'Who's your partner?'

'Derek,'

'And he is?'

'A surgeon,'

'Ok, and how did you two meet?'

'In a bar, supposed to be a one night stand, turned out to be my boss,'

'Do you have a lot of one night stands?' Meredith seemed taken aback by the question.

'I want to know what your life is like, the sort of things that you do, who you are,' Meredith shrugged her shoulders again.

'It was the night before my internship, four years ago, he was supposed to be the last guy before it all stopped,'

'You've been together since?' Meredith hesitated.

'it's a long story, but he was married,'

'Ok, tell me the long story, I have plenty of time,' Meredith looked up, Kate nodding her head and smiling at her.

'This is time for Meredith, no one else. I'm here for as long as you need me,' Meredith sighed heavily.

'When…when me and Derek met in the bar, it was supposed to be a random one night stand. I turned up for work the next day to find he was the new Neuro attending,'

'Ok,'

'we danced around each other, eventually getting together. Then his wife showed up,'

'He was married,'

'She slept with his best friend…mark. We kept seeing each other behind her back after they got together. Mark was always looking out for me…I let slip to Addison about me and Derek. She flipped and went back to New York. Derek didn't talk to me for months and I ended up like this,'

'Ok. What about your family?'

'Mother had altzimers, barely knew me, hated me when she did,'

'That must have been difficult,'

'Yeah,' Meredith rubbed her hands together nervously.

'What about your dad?'

'He left when I was five, wants nothing to do with me. But Richards like my dad,'

'He's also your chief of surgeries,'

'I didn't know when I started my internship. He Didn't like me and Derek being together but now…now he's ok with it,' Kate nodded, knowing Meredith was putting more and more trust in her with every question.

'What about friends?'

'Most of them left when they picked a specialty. Alex is still here but everyone else left, even Christina,'

'Who's everyone else?'

'Izzie, George, Christina,'

'and where did they all go?'  
'Izzie's in New York with Derek's wife, specialising in Neonatal,'

'Is she friends with Derek's wife?'

'No, just works with her…but then again I don't know, I've not spoken to her in months,'

'George?'

'Him and Christina are both specialising in cardio, San Francisco, last time I heard,'

'So you lost most of your contact with them,'

'Yeah,'

'What are you specialising in?'

'Neuro,'

'Same as Derek?'

'Opposite of my mother,'

'Your mom?'

'She was a surgeon, never wanted me to be one. Said I shouldn't specialise, so I specialised,'

'To go against what your mom wanted?'

'Yeah,' Kate scribbled down on the piece of paper in front of her, Meredith conscious of how much she was writing.

'What made you start to slip?' Meredith looked down to her hands, remembering the fight her and Addison had had, then the argument her and Derek had a few hours later.

'The fight,'

'With his wife?'

'Addison, yeah,'

'And you feel that's what caused you to slip?'

'It's when I started,' Meredith pointed to her arm, unable to say it, if she said it then she really was going to go mad.


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith handed Derek the mug, Derek raising his eyebrows at her. She smiled broadly.

'I take it the session went well,'

'No, but I'm going back,'

'Back? Your going to see her again?'

'No, back to New York,' Derek chocked on the coffee, Meredith slapping his back.

'What?'

'I need to make a clean break and I know I can make it in New York,'

'So your just going to up and leave?' Meredith nodded.

'What about the hospital?'

'I'll get a transfer up,'

'Us?' Meredith went silent.

'That's up to you. Do you want to come back with me or do you want to stay here?'

'I want to be with you,'

'That's not what I asked. Look I just spent the last three hours with a woman who has just told me that I've always settled for second best, I've always let myself get stood on. So now I've decided that I'm leaving,'

'You can't make a decision like this in the space of half an hour Meredith. You need to think this through,'

'I already have. I need this Derek. Seattle, it's got nothing but bad memories for me and that's what's killing me. So if I leave, I can start again, with people who don't know me, they don't know that I screwed a married attending and that my mother is Ellis Grey,'

'You have the same name as her, they'll join the dots. And your not viewed as the woman who screwed the married attending,'

'Yes I am and I…I'm changing my name when I get to New York,'

'Are you on something?' Meredith crossed her arms across herself as she walked past Derek.

'It's over Derek,'

'Excuse me?' Derek followed Meredith out to the hall, Meredith stopping at the bottom of the stairs.

'It's over. You clearly want to stay here and think that I'm crazy for wanting a fresh start. So I'll leave on my own. It's over,'

'Meredith,'

'We're done. I leave tonight,' Meredith turned and walked up the stairs, Derek watching her.

'Please, don't do this,' Meredith closed the bedroom door behind her, listening for the front door being opened and shut again. Looking over to the bottle of pills next to her bag, she wiped away the tears that had fallen, knowing that sooner or later she would be gone and wouldn't hurt him anymore. Derek stood outside Richard house, his eyes red and puffy. The lights turned on outside, Derek looking up from the ground at Adele.

'Where is he?'

'Derek?'

'Where is he?'

'In the kitchen,' Derek walked past her, standing at the door watching Richard.

'Your shrinks convinced her to leave Seattle,'

'Derek, what are you talking about?'

'The shrink you sent her to, she's telling her to leave Seattle,'

'Derek, Meredith wouldn't leave Seattle,'

'She's leaving tonight,' Richard lifted the phone and stepped outside. Derek tried to listen but cold hear nothing but mumbles.

'Derek, she never mentioned leaving,'

'Then why is she?' Richard looked to the floor, his mouth open slightly.

'Oh god,'

'what?'

'Get to the house, now,'

'Richard?'

'Derek go now,' Derek lifted his keys off the counter.

'What the hell is going on?'

'She's leaving Derek, but not to New York,'

'then where…' Derek voice trailed off, realising what he was saying. He broke every speed limit there was, not caring about red lights. The front door was locked, as was the bedroom.

'Meredith…Meredith,' he rattled the door, no sound. The bedroom was empty but he could see the faint light from under the bathroom door. She lay in the bath, slumped down. He lifted her up, the water cold.

'Meredith…MEREDITH,' he lifted her out, the empty bottle falling off the edge of the bath. She coughed, opening her eyes at him.

'Don't…please…' she pushed his hand away, Derek trying to force her to throw up.

'Please…'

'No, your not doing this, your not giving up on me,' Meredith grabbed his hand, her grip tight for a second before it weakened, his hand dropping along with hers.

**So thats the end. hope you enjoyed the story. i know it wasn't very fluffy. Hope you enjoyed and please review. :D**


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